To make Monday tolerable.
Some funny quotes I've come across that I really enjoy...Most from comics George Carlin, Bill Cosby, Dane Cook, and Robin Williams. Enjoy.


I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." 


Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


Tis better to be pissed off than pissed on


The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.


A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.


Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.


One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. 


People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.


Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 


When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.


A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. 


Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.


Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.