It’s hard to describe this feeling…………… I can try and capture it into words won’t give it justice. Not even close. It’s Monday. 9:57 pm. (my minds so blundered I have to check my phone so see what day of the week it is). I just received the phone call I’ve been praying not to come. Dylan passed away…….I don’t think the goose bumps have even left my arms and legs. I’ve been playing with the idea for a long time now of blogging on the events that have flooded my life lately. And in the heat of the moment, I decided to share something real. As real as I can get……
It’s been a month and half (if that) and I’ve lost 2 friends. No, they weren’t just classmates. Acquaintances. Friend of a friend. I grew up with these guys. Experience adolescents with these guys. Discovered how to live life with these guys. And now, I realize how precious that can be stripped away. I look around me and think why does this happen. I’m tired of my high school reunions being funerals. I’ve dealt with death probably more so than most people my age. Working at the hospital, I’ve been on top of the dude when the doctor says “that’s it”… touches my shoulder and says “no more CPR”. All you can do it take your gloves off and go about your day. Try and convince yourself that’s it’s normal while you walk through a family of 15 waiting in the hall as they hit the floor in disbelievement. My family is in the next room right now and the thought of losing any of them doesn’t even strike a nerve. Because it doesn’t seen fallible . Fiction. Maybe some good script from a movie. But not MY movie. Not the one I wake up to everyday. Sometimes I wish I could just change the channel. Find something more appealing on. But this is life. Denial will get me nowhere.
You know, most of the time once I get rolling writing, it just comes so easy. But this is anything but. I feel so helpless and hopeless when I think of Ronnie and Vicki. I can’t imagine the numbing pain they feel right now. The kind that makes you dizzy. The kind that brings you to your knees. Tragedy is the only word that comes to mind. You’ll regret anything you say to them because looking back it won’t seem like the right thing to say. Like it wasn’t enough. All I can say to any of you is to simply pray. Pray that God touches them with his grace and comfort. That the love from everyone around them will penetrate and begin to heal those wounds.
I promised people I would touch on this subject so I will….and if your offended by anything said, I’m truly sorry. But sometimes the truth isn’t exactly the prettiest thing to hear………I can remember sitting in Jacobs funeral. It was between songs. It’s so quiet that I noticed the air conditioner kick on. I look around and see the sadness spilling out of all my friends I haven’t seen in weeks or months. My hands are shaky as I roll the greeting flyer into what resembles a baton. Everyone’s noses appear to be running. I notice certain people in the crowd. They aren’t my friends but they were his “friends”. I can’t understand why they appear so upset. To me, this whole thing came as a shock. To them, this should’ve come expectedly I would assume. If I sound mad, it’s because I am mad. More like fucking pissed. I really can’t stand to look at them. They make me sick. I don’t feel like they should even be allowed in the church. They contributed to the loss of my friend. I shouldn’t owe them sympathy. They won’t get a “sorry for your loss” from me. Hell no. They should owe me and my friends something. They probably are so messed up they can’t feel what’s going on right now anyway. They owe his family something. His true friends something. The people who were part of the solution. Not the problem. But…….after all was said and done I just tell myself “Austin, they’ll have to answer for their sins. Just like you do.” Revenge is a wicked thing. Something I don’t believe in. The world has a way of evening itself out ya see. And the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that’s true. I’m not gonna put anyone on blast on here, because I have more character than that. But I can’t guarantee that someone won’t be told to read this because it sounds like someone they know. And if you’re that person, I would suggest getting your life straight. I guess I just don’t understand or fully grasp the concept of “clubbing”. The sound of popping tabs, smoking a bowl and shot gunning beers just confuses me. I mean really, how unhappy are you? What causes you to mask this emotion with numbness. Have you ever stopped and thought that? Exactly why am I doing this. “cause it feels good” “cause there’s nothing to do” “cause I live in Paris, tx”…give me a fucking break. That’s the biggest most cowardly thing I’ve ever heard. You’re not cool. And I hate it if I’m the one breaking it to you. I hope this sobers you up. I hope you find yourself. I hope you find God, or better yet, He finds you….
In this most recent event (sad I have to separate tragic stories isn’t it) I don’t put the blame on anyone. Not Keefer. Not anyone. An accident is an accident. The guys who were in the wreck have enough to deal with. They don’t deserve an utter of disapprovement. Those people on Topix can go to hell for all I care. Those soulless, sorry excuses for humans can burn. And like I said, they have to answer just like all the rest of us. Which makes me feel better.
I know this isn’t the best thing I’ve ever written but it’s probably the most unscripted and raw thing that’s come out in a while. I just ask that you pray for the Fisher and Ballard family. Because when you wake up 6 months from now, and you go your whole day without thinking of what’s happened here recently, just remember, they haven’t. Every day is a struggle. So continue to keep them in your thoughts as those who they’ve lost will be in theirs.
John 14:1-3
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
wow! that really touched me actually i coulnt make myself go to jacobs funeral and i actually feel bad for not going now but losin all the classmates that we have since what the 8th grade im goin to put my foot down and make it to dylans its just so sad since ive lost my feonce back in 07 due to a car accident i hate funerals i never wanted to go back to one but its time to face it. all those people that down someone for doin something they will regret isnt right and i agree with u 100% they will have to face the good lord above thank you for sharing
amber simons-patterson
August 2, 2011 at 12:30 AM
Wow, awesome job Austin!!! I'm thinking you may be in the wrong field... you sound like you could make an amazing therapist with all your insight!
meagan
August 2, 2011 at 9:50 AM
that was really great austin if you were an author i would definently read your book (:
Austin
August 3, 2011 at 11:55 PM
No, you're wrong. This is definitely one of the best blogs you've written. And being an religious reader myself, I would know! I now feel better that I'm not one of the only people that think some of the same things you do. I'm sorry you had to be the person to say it, but it needed to be said. And as always, this is amazing!
Blair Slagle
August 5, 2011 at 1:57 AM
Austin...Your sincerity and passion made me cry. It takes a big person to write the things you wrote. I didn't know Dylan or Jacob...I grew up with Wade, though, and my heart just grieves for their poor families. and like you, i am literally nauseous over what people have been writing on topix...absolutely repulsive.
Hillary
September 2, 2011 at 5:25 PM
Everyone lost someone.. While it may be their fault that the environment and influence was wrong, they lost someone too. Everyone has their own fight
Anonymous
September 4, 2011 at 2:33 PM
So, what you're saying is you believe that you are a better person than them and you have more right to grieve and be at the funeral than they do. How dare you. In these circumstances of death no one is allowed to point fingers or say I'm better then you and I have more right to be upset. How dare you. Those people that you so much apparently, hate, those were the people with him every single day until his last. Bet you havent hung out with him all that much since you graduated! I'm enraged that someone would dare post something like this. Yes, so it wouldve been nice for a different influence to be around so he wouldn't have done it. But it happened and it was an accident! Who the hell do you think you are to put yourself above someone else.
No respect.
September 11, 2011 at 12:27 PM